I’ve seen many conflicts, in my life and at my workplace. Unfortunately, many got out of hand with terrible results: split teams, missed targets, broken relationships.

But conflict does not have to end that way.

Now, I’m not saying you’ve got to pick up a fight at every opportunity! Read our article on Office Politics to see that conflict is certainly not always the best option. But, sometimes, it’s appropriate to get into a conflict and sometimes, by no fault of your own, you are already involved in a conflict whether you want it or not. Then, it’s good to know that, if you handle it right, it could be a very good thing indeed.

Benefits from Conflict?

Yes, there can be real benefits to conflicts.

The first one that comes to mind is material… in other terms: money or power.

When you threaten to leave your job and obtain a promotion or a pay rise, that’s a material benefit.
When you refuse to pay the full price for a product or service that’s not up to the quality you expected and get a refund, that’s a material benefit.
When you negotiate a purchase price and obtain a discount, that’s a material benefit.

Another benefit is a stronger sense of identity and higher self-esteem.

When you fight for what you think is right according to your values, whether you win or lose the fight, you will feel much better about yourself. You’ve shown courage and stood up for what you believe. You’ll have a stronger sense of who you are. If you fight in the name of your company or your team, you’ll have a stronger sense of what your company is about or what your team stands for.

It could be that you refuse to yield to a demand from a client because you think it’s not in their interest. The client will often realize, when you take your stand, that you’re right and will have more faith in you as a result.

It could be that you voice an opinion on an important issue that’s contrary to the opinion of other people around you. By doing so, you might realize that some people who had been quiet until then actually also share your opinion. With your passion and a well presented argument, you could sway people towards your own views.

Finally, conflict is a necessary stage within a team before it becomes succesful.

Read our article on the Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing model to understand how groups generally evolve and go through a ‘storming’ phase, where conflicts arise. Once the disputes are resolved, trust is gained and the group can move on more harmoniously, its members having realized they have interests in common.

So conflicts do have benefits. But they need to be handled at the right time and in the right way.

Here’s What You Need To Do…

Step 1 – Know Your Own Usual Conflict Style

We each have our very own preferred way of dealing with conflict – our preferred most natural approach to conflict, the go-to option for us when conflicts arise if you like. And sometimes we have to fight those natural tendencies because our natural style just isn’t the best choice for the situation at hand.

So first of all, it’s useful to understand which approach we generally fall back on when conflicts arise.

There are 5 recognized conflict styles (inspired by the Thomas and Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument).

They can be classified based on how much concern we show for our own needs versus those of others.

• Accommodating: You put concerns for the needs of others before your own. You’re very cooperative but not assertive. You value relationships first and try to keep peace at any price. You often give in, accept you made mistakes or decide it doesn’t matter.
• Competing or Forcing: You are more concerned with your needs than the needs of others. You are not cooperative. You use your power to get your own way.
• Avoiding: You avoid conflicts by delaying your responses, withdrawing from conversations. You do not pursue your own needs or others. You accept differences of opinions and disagreements.
• Collaborating: You want to work through conflict. You’re cooperative and assertive. You accept there are disagreements, you see others’ points of view and try to come with creative solutions that satisfies both your and others’ needs.
• Compromising: You accept to give in a little to reach a fast solution that will satisfy moderately both parties.

Step 2 – Choose The Right Style For Each Situation

The next thing we need to do before entering the conlict is to STOP, THINK and ANALYSE the situation in order to choose the appropriate conflict style, which may mean fighting our natural tendencies.

It might be that you need to adopt a different conflict style to the one you’re used to. It will feel weird to do so at first: an accomodating person will feel far too pushy using a forcing style; a competing person will feel they’re giving in too much if they use an accomodating style; somebody who avoids conflict at all costs will struggle to face up to it. But soon you’ll get used to using different styles and you’ll quickly see the benefits for yourself (especially when you get a pay rise or the promotion you’d been waiting for so long).

The appropriate conflict style to opt for depends on:

– Your Relative Power
If you have more power than the person you are in conflict with, you can use it to force your way. This is especially appropriate if your relationship with that person is not very important to you or if the issue requires to be resolved quickly.

– The Importance of the Issue
The more important an issue is, the quicker you want it resolved. This means you will want to use force unless you value your relationship, in which case collaboration is the best solution. Collaboration fosters creativity, allows to find longer-lasting solutions, reinforces the bond you have with the other person.
If, however, you feel the issue cannot afford the time required to find a collaborative solution and you are in a position of power (parent talking to a child, boss to a team member), you may want to use force. But, in that case, be prepared to do some damage control afterwards as you may well need to repair the trust you’ve broken by imposing your solution.
If the situation is of average importance and so is your relationship, then compromise could be a good solution. It could save time. However, compromise is never a good long-lasting solution as it’s never completely satisfactory to anyone.

– The Importance of the Relationship
If the person you are in conflict with matters to you (partner, relative, boss, colleague…), you need to resolve the conflict without ruining the relationship. Collaboration is the best option.
If the issue is not important, an accommodating style is perfect. It saves time and preserve the relationship.
Do not choose to avoid the conflict if you value the relationship. Avoid can be a good strategy if the issue and relationship are not important. If you value the relationship, do not avoid conflict. Situations could fester and it could lead to resentment.

Step 3 – What If The Other Party Doesn’t Want To Collaborate?

It might well be that your analysis of the situation is that it requires collaboration or compromise but you’re faced with somebody who just wants to force their way.

If the issue is not important, just let go and be accomodating. You’ll save time and preserve the relationship.

If the other person has more relative power (your boss, your client) you might want to be accomodating too.

If the issue and the relationship are important and the other person does not have more relative power than you… then you need to convince them to change their attitude. It opens up a whole new subject: persuasion, which we’ll explore in more details in another article.